dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
