Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
