i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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