Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You can't special order awesome
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
