Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Randomize
