I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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