Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
