Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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