I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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