New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
