I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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