I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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