you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
