You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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