Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
