Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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