I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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