Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
