My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
