I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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