we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
