I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
