my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
