I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you will always have a special place in my vag
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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