4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
