i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
