i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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