He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
did i just pee glitter
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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