Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
