she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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