i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
