i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
