I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
