Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
