Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
