sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
