The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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