What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
