I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
