If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
