i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
