Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
