My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
