If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I am available for nakedness
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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