forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
