i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
