how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
