I cannot find my penis.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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