I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
