I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
